Who are the warriors in your life?

Who are the people in your life that impact you the most?

Who has changed your heart, just by knowing them?

I feel so blessed to have so many people in my life I can look up to, and learn from.

This year we lost two people that were one of a kind.  Never in this world will you meet anyone like them.

My husbands cousin, James, passed away unexpectedly in January.  Leaving behind a wife and two little girls.  We were rocked to our core,  He was a man who always laughed and his eyes were filled with genuine love for all people he encountered.  That quality is special.  To touch lives the way he did just be being a lover of life.  It evokes deep sadness to know that his gift is gone from this world. But for me it also stirs inspiration in my heart.  To take whatever quality adored in him and use it to better yourself.  To laugh more, be more carefree, and to follow the things that fill you with passion.  He was filled with life and passion... We all should be.

Later, when our close friend Laura Strong (www.publiclookin.blogspot.com) was diagnosed with stage 4 MET breast cancer.  We were again crushed.  But I knew her spirit and knew she was going to give it hell.
To simply talk about Laura being strong is not enough.  She was sassy, forthright, generous beyond generous, a brat, a lover of life, her family and God.  And by family - I tell you her friends and community were her family.  Her spirit makes you want to be a kinder person. To do for others all that you can.  To have more compassion for everyone you meet.  She continues to make me want to be a better wife, mother, and person. The lessons I have learned from her life and death are the reason I am taking stock in my blessings.  She was the ultimate warrior of carrying on when things were hard and heavy.  Sharing her journey with the world through her blog with honesty.


I have another friend who is kind and has the heart of a lion.  This year I watched her battle for what means most to her.  I saw her often times hurt by the sly tongues of people rooting against her- but still I watched her RISE.  Letting it strengthen her resolve and character.  I am often in such awe of her I do not know what good I provide her life, or if I have anything to give back to her.  I am always taking from her whether it is advise, strength, or borrowing courage.  She is my lioness, The person I watch as she gracefully handles all life gives her.

My Aunt Pam has been living with stage 4 MET breast cancer to her liver.  She lives her life not defined by her diagnosis.  She LIVES.  She also brings me hope and support for every decision I make. She champions me.  She is the female role model I hope to be.  She loves me, like i am her own.  Protects me all she can.  She is my rock.  Full of positive energy and love.  I try to emulate these qualities.  She is my love and light in the dark hours.  She is THE warrior in my life.  The Alpha/Omega of feminine strength, bravery, and love.

I have an old friend, who is near to my heart and has been for 14 years.  We have ups and downs, fights and make-ups but more importantly a deep trust.  I don't call on her often, but she is a listening ear when all I need is to be heard.  I know all I have to do is call her and she will be there.  Hearing all the ugly truths we face and offering genuine love.  I have vowed to always tell her the hard truth- we all need truth tellers in our lives.  She is my prayer warrior.

My cousin, Jamie has been a constant in my life.  She and I are on the same spiritual path. We think alike, we understand each other.  We also laugh until it hurts.  She is my sister, my spiritual family.  I feel an intuitive connection to her that I have with no one else. She is my soul sister.

I could list more blessings, because I have more.  Like Matt and his family.  But I wanted to write about the people that impact my soul.  To give thanks for the strong people in my life that guide and inspire me.

So... Who in your life has changed you for the better?  Who has helped mold you into a softer, kinder person?

My hope is you take time to take an inventory of the warriors in your life, Thank the universe for your blessings. Learn from those courageous, beautiful people. Out of the dark-light is born.  I believe it happens when you put down your sword and let the beauty and the adversity in your life do its work on your heart.  It will change you.... if you let it.

Love and Light
Crystal

What I wish you knew

Growing up with 3 brothers and 3 sisters, and two sets of parents was and is precious to me. Although, the man that raised me, whom I called dad had sexually abused me; I can still look back on this experience in life and see that it did not break me.  That I forgive him, and that there is no shame in saying I loved him.  He was my dad.  When I told my family about the abuse when I was 24, I was disowned by an entire side of my family.  Including my two of sisters and my mother. My mom later came around, but I did not talk to her for three years.  I was considered a liar, whore, and as my sister put it "a waste of human flesh".  It took me years to forgive them for the abandonment.  It took years for me to gain the prospective that they may have.  He is there blood relation, and it is near impossible to believe that someone you love and trust so much could be capable doing what he did.  Even after he admitted to abusing another family member, he denied my abuse.  I am still an outcast to the people I still hold so dear in my heart.  

I learned so many lessons from that life experience.  As painful and devastating as it was.  I learned.  I also learned to let my hurt subside and love again.  I love the family I grew up with and eventually lost.  I still miss them.  But, I am not angry anymore.  I have compassion and I am leaving my heart open for the day my sisters, and nephews can possible come back into my life.  

I wish I could tell them in person how much they have missed, and that my sister I was closest with could see my babies.  She would love them, they would love her.  My kids would have loved the family traditions we had.  They are some of my fondest memories.  This is the part that is the hardest for me.  That the part of my childhood that did not suck, is also linked directly to the part of my childhood that brings me the happiest memories. My cousins, aunts, and uncles, holidays, and being apart of a family is a hard thing to surrender for breaking the silence of what was happening to me.  My big brother stuck by me and my cousin until the day of the trial.  He testified in grand jury against his father, and suffered the wrath of family members because of it.  The day of the trial when my step dad was sentenced was the last real conversation I had with my brother.  He has never met my two youngest children, and has not responded to my invitation to connect.  I understand that life was difficult for him through the trial.  That it is painful for him to have me apart of his life.  That by association he too was losing the family he loved. 

All that being said, I don't regret speaking up.  Sexual abuse is too often swept under the rug when it occurs within a family.  But, the truth is it happens so much more often then most people realize.  More victims need to speak up... need to be given the positive reinforcement to have the courage to speak up.  Every little boy and girl should feel like they have a voice, and they are heard.  Unfortunately, because of the stigma attached to the issue, and the fears instilled into the child it is so hard to make that child feel safe enough to talk.  Victims so often feel responsible for their abusers feelings, and well-being that they protect them.  Add in the complex feelings you have for the abuser.... It is almost impossible to come forward without shame, fear and ultimately the weight of your family's future  on your shoulders.  

This post is mostly for my own therapeutic needs, and also to bring a light to the dark and complex world of sexual abuse.  It has taken me ten years after coming forward to banish the shame I have felt my entire life.  I am almost 35 and have spent ten years over coming the damage done.  I truly believe I never could have found closure, and acceptance if I had stayed silent.  What I wish I knew as a child is that I had a voice and that it would be heard.  I wish I knew my worth and loveability was not tied to what happened to me.  My wish is more people will start having that tough conversation within their family, and bring awareness to the children in their lives.  It is a hard conversation to have, but it can be the chance to change a life. Literally.  Maybe many lives if the cycle of abuse is stopped.  
Below is a link that I hope is helpful to someone out there.


https://rainn.org/statistics

Four Months

It is almost 4 months.  I miss you.  I have written letters in my journals to you, talked to you in the car, sobbed like a baby, laughed at memories, and been angry at the world since you left.  This earthly place is different without you.  The bearded man is different without you.  L is so grown up, When we go to the house she hangs out with the adults.  It is like she is soaking us all in.  She is more social, more like you.  She gives the guys a hard time.  I know that makes you proud.  When I asked her if she was ready for school she said no.  That someone needed to stay home and keep her dad "in  line".  K isn't as quiet.  He and Wyatt play more.  Wyatt says he is his best friend. C is Tinley's favorite.  She gets excited to see her. She will carry her around like a baby on her hip.  I don't go over as much as I want to, to be honest.  But you know that.  I am suppose to go over this week and do the girls nails for Halloween.  Matt, in the beginning was over every night with Chris.  They all coped with each other.  I think BM helped them with the grief of losing you more than they helped him.  I think Matt and Chris are still in denial, still trying to wrap their heads around it.  We all are.  How do we live with out you?  How do we fill the void?  I feel like we were not done learning from you.  The kids definitely were not done.
In the months after you passed I know you were sending people to my life, that only you would send. It was something I could feel.  Everywhere I looked I would see Monarch butterflies.  I would think, Laura.

I look at your facebook page and I almost get pissed off.  Breast cancer this, Breast cancer that.  Pink puke everywhere.  It is almost like everyone forgot who you were.  The force of nature you were. That all that remains is that you had breast cancer.  That you died because of that beast.  That they forgot the beast you were!  AND IT PISSES ME OFF.  You weren't breast cancer.  It was a tiny  chapter in your life.  It was apart of the journey, it wasn't the entire destination.  You were a mother, wife, friend, giver, lover, brat, sass, you were blunt, and funny! You pushed people out of their comfort zone, and helped them grow. You made mistakes and apologized for them but never apologized for who you are! You were so much to so many people.  And now that you are gone I go to your facebook and see breast cancer.  I hate breast cancer.  I hate it for taking you.  I hate it for the role its playing in my life.  I hate it for spreading through my Aunt P.  I am going to be writing her a letter on here someday and it makes me sick.  I pray L&C never have to deal with the pain and suffering you did.  I pray they remember the Sass, and the love more then the chemo and and pink puke.  I hope K finds a woman as bold as his mother was.
I love you.  I miss you.  I hope you get to read all the books you couldn't down here.  And I will be watching you bring him to Him. You still are a force of nature.. you are still teaching me...

Down On The Farm

 

Let me just give you a little back story on my middle son, Wyatt.  He is six, and for years has told me "Mom, I am really going to miss you when I go to the desert to be a cowboy".  He has always wanted to be a cowboy, live on a farm, ride buffalo, if it was something a cowboy did he wanted to do it.  Except kill the animals of course.  Because this particular aspiring cowboy is an animal lover.  He cries when he see's an animal die in a movie, he is so empathetic towards animals I often say it is like he came straight from the earth. Nature, and animals it is what he loves. BUT, back to the cowboy at hand!  

Knowing his love of animals, and farms this aspiring cowboy has; you can also imagine how excited he was about his class field trip to a farm!  I rarely get to go and participate in the kids school activities, because I never feel well enough.  This week something was in the air.  I felt GREAT! I went to a choir concert, and this field trip! Boy, was I glad I did not miss it.  

When we first arrived we all huddled in a small building for a run down of the rules of the farm.  Once that was said and done, we split the classes up and went on our adventure.  First they lined the kids up on a bench to milk a cow.  For the life of me I cannot remember the name of this cow, but she was such a good sport. She was pregnant and had 27 kids grabbing at her udders. If I were that cow I would have been far less cooperative.  The look on most of the kids faces when they had to get down and milk her was priceless, I wont post pictures of them though... Only my own child.  He was excited, of course.  

Then they took them to feed the goats.  They did not get to pet, or touch them.  They all were pretty aggressive.  They had a bunny shed, I stayed out of that one.  We have a bunny, and I have little to do with her/him.  Wyatt loves our bunny. He came out of the shed wanting to bring our bunny to the farm.  He said she would like it better in that shed. AGREED! 

After the bunnies was the HAY RIDE to the pumpkin patch.  The deal was if you could carry the pumpkin you could take that pumpkin home.  The comedy in watching some of these kids pick up pumpkins adults would have trouble carrying was ridiculous.  They deserved an A for effort.  Wyatt was one of them trying to pick up a thirty pound pumpkin. Once I yelled over "No!" he went and found a perfectly round one that he could carry.  His friend however got his monies worth.  He carried that GREAT PUMPKIN all the way over to the tractor all by himself.  Once we were back by the buses he had to get it to the bus by himself.  I grabbed it for him so he could get down of the trailer, but handed it back to him.  I made him carry that darn thing all the way over.  Hey! Rules are rules people.  I am guessing those are the rules because charging per pound to regular customers is how they make money. 

side note One mom that was chaperoning carried a very large pumpkin for her daughter all the way back to the tractor for her.  This thing was so big the mom was struggling. She even said "we should have brought Dad".  The farm hand said to her the rules are if she can carry it........ went through one ear and out the other.  I have to say it pissed me off.  She just taught her daughter a lesson.  Maybe I am stretching it, but she showed her 1. you don't have to follow rules.  and 2. entitlement.  Like I said I might be stretching it, it might have been the way her mom acted when he said it to her (ignored him, and wouldn't look at him).  Either way I had to bite my tongue and not say "Hey, put the damn pumpkin back or pay the 38 cents per pound."  Also, acknowledge someone when they are speaking to you.  We are with a bunch of first graders.  They are watching you.  Soaking it in.  I am not perfect by any means,  but being rude is a pet peeve.  It is something I would have never been allowed to do as a child, or let my child do. It is not something I would do as an adult.  (unless provoked)

Back on track.  After the pumpkin patch, they had a 4-wheeler with these barrels linked up behind it.  So all the kids climbed in and "Farmer John" took them for a ride.  They were screaming like they were at a Cedar Point, riding a roller coaster.  They loved it!  Something so simple that probably cost them next to nothing to make gave these kids so much joy.  

There were animals we did not get to see, and I am guessing they just aren't friendly with kids.  Or, they did not trust first graders with them.  However, they were in open view and the kids loved seeing them even if they didn't get to interact with them.  Horses, a huge hog, donkey's, llama's, tame deer, and steer.  Of course they had the cat's running around, roosters galore, duck, turkey and Peacocks were everywhere.  

They wrapped up the animal section of the trip with feeding the rams, one was really old and had arthritis.  He walked around what would be his knees.  Then finally the bee hive.  No thank you, I stayed outside.  Literally my worst nightmare! The kids loved it though.  They came out telling us that if it is not pollen they won't sting you. WHATEVER.  Let them believe what ever lies they were feeding them in that hive. I am not buying.  Wyatt has been stung probably about 10 times in the past two summers, and has not even swollen at the sting sight. I think it is safe to say he is not allergic to them.  I however carry my Epi-Pen in my purse/medicine bag ready to inject at a moments notice.  Haha Ok, not really. I do have an Epi-Pen, but I am pretty irresponsible about carrying it.  I know, I know.  I am getting better. My method of not getting stung is to just flail around like a crazy person and run.  It has worked so far.   

The Grand Finale of the field trip was great. The Farm hand took the kids to the pull-barn filled with hay.  Some hay was rolled hay, and the other was bails of hay constructed into a maze.  The kids went nuts.

That is really all there is to say. Pure craziness ensued.  It was great.  I am so happy to have been able to be there with him. To watch him have so much fun, and experience a farm.  I grew up going to my grandmothers farm, and have wanted that experience for my kids.  To see him be a kid and play and love being in that environment was just good for my soul, and his.