Four Months

It is almost 4 months.  I miss you.  I have written letters in my journals to you, talked to you in the car, sobbed like a baby, laughed at memories, and been angry at the world since you left.  This earthly place is different without you.  The bearded man is different without you.  L is so grown up, When we go to the house she hangs out with the adults.  It is like she is soaking us all in.  She is more social, more like you.  She gives the guys a hard time.  I know that makes you proud.  When I asked her if she was ready for school she said no.  That someone needed to stay home and keep her dad "in  line".  K isn't as quiet.  He and Wyatt play more.  Wyatt says he is his best friend. C is Tinley's favorite.  She gets excited to see her. She will carry her around like a baby on her hip.  I don't go over as much as I want to, to be honest.  But you know that.  I am suppose to go over this week and do the girls nails for Halloween.  Matt, in the beginning was over every night with Chris.  They all coped with each other.  I think BM helped them with the grief of losing you more than they helped him.  I think Matt and Chris are still in denial, still trying to wrap their heads around it.  We all are.  How do we live with out you?  How do we fill the void?  I feel like we were not done learning from you.  The kids definitely were not done.
In the months after you passed I know you were sending people to my life, that only you would send. It was something I could feel.  Everywhere I looked I would see Monarch butterflies.  I would think, Laura.

I look at your facebook page and I almost get pissed off.  Breast cancer this, Breast cancer that.  Pink puke everywhere.  It is almost like everyone forgot who you were.  The force of nature you were. That all that remains is that you had breast cancer.  That you died because of that beast.  That they forgot the beast you were!  AND IT PISSES ME OFF.  You weren't breast cancer.  It was a tiny  chapter in your life.  It was apart of the journey, it wasn't the entire destination.  You were a mother, wife, friend, giver, lover, brat, sass, you were blunt, and funny! You pushed people out of their comfort zone, and helped them grow. You made mistakes and apologized for them but never apologized for who you are! You were so much to so many people.  And now that you are gone I go to your facebook and see breast cancer.  I hate breast cancer.  I hate it for taking you.  I hate it for the role its playing in my life.  I hate it for spreading through my Aunt P.  I am going to be writing her a letter on here someday and it makes me sick.  I pray L&C never have to deal with the pain and suffering you did.  I pray they remember the Sass, and the love more then the chemo and and pink puke.  I hope K finds a woman as bold as his mother was.
I love you.  I miss you.  I hope you get to read all the books you couldn't down here.  And I will be watching you bring him to Him. You still are a force of nature.. you are still teaching me...