What I wish you knew

Growing up with 3 brothers and 3 sisters, and two sets of parents was and is precious to me. Although, the man that raised me, whom I called dad had sexually abused me; I can still look back on this experience in life and see that it did not break me.  That I forgive him, and that there is no shame in saying I loved him.  He was my dad.  When I told my family about the abuse when I was 24, I was disowned by an entire side of my family.  Including my two of sisters and my mother. My mom later came around, but I did not talk to her for three years.  I was considered a liar, whore, and as my sister put it "a waste of human flesh".  It took me years to forgive them for the abandonment.  It took years for me to gain the prospective that they may have.  He is there blood relation, and it is near impossible to believe that someone you love and trust so much could be capable doing what he did.  Even after he admitted to abusing another family member, he denied my abuse.  I am still an outcast to the people I still hold so dear in my heart.  

I learned so many lessons from that life experience.  As painful and devastating as it was.  I learned.  I also learned to let my hurt subside and love again.  I love the family I grew up with and eventually lost.  I still miss them.  But, I am not angry anymore.  I have compassion and I am leaving my heart open for the day my sisters, and nephews can possible come back into my life.  

I wish I could tell them in person how much they have missed, and that my sister I was closest with could see my babies.  She would love them, they would love her.  My kids would have loved the family traditions we had.  They are some of my fondest memories.  This is the part that is the hardest for me.  That the part of my childhood that did not suck, is also linked directly to the part of my childhood that brings me the happiest memories. My cousins, aunts, and uncles, holidays, and being apart of a family is a hard thing to surrender for breaking the silence of what was happening to me.  My big brother stuck by me and my cousin until the day of the trial.  He testified in grand jury against his father, and suffered the wrath of family members because of it.  The day of the trial when my step dad was sentenced was the last real conversation I had with my brother.  He has never met my two youngest children, and has not responded to my invitation to connect.  I understand that life was difficult for him through the trial.  That it is painful for him to have me apart of his life.  That by association he too was losing the family he loved. 

All that being said, I don't regret speaking up.  Sexual abuse is too often swept under the rug when it occurs within a family.  But, the truth is it happens so much more often then most people realize.  More victims need to speak up... need to be given the positive reinforcement to have the courage to speak up.  Every little boy and girl should feel like they have a voice, and they are heard.  Unfortunately, because of the stigma attached to the issue, and the fears instilled into the child it is so hard to make that child feel safe enough to talk.  Victims so often feel responsible for their abusers feelings, and well-being that they protect them.  Add in the complex feelings you have for the abuser.... It is almost impossible to come forward without shame, fear and ultimately the weight of your family's future  on your shoulders.  

This post is mostly for my own therapeutic needs, and also to bring a light to the dark and complex world of sexual abuse.  It has taken me ten years after coming forward to banish the shame I have felt my entire life.  I am almost 35 and have spent ten years over coming the damage done.  I truly believe I never could have found closure, and acceptance if I had stayed silent.  What I wish I knew as a child is that I had a voice and that it would be heard.  I wish I knew my worth and loveability was not tied to what happened to me.  My wish is more people will start having that tough conversation within their family, and bring awareness to the children in their lives.  It is a hard conversation to have, but it can be the chance to change a life. Literally.  Maybe many lives if the cycle of abuse is stopped.  
Below is a link that I hope is helpful to someone out there.


https://rainn.org/statistics